3
i've long since come to the conclusion that my writing kind of just isn't very good
freeform shit especially
(like, did you see that last one? no sauce at all)
i don't really mean this in a self deprecating way though
i just don't think it's very good because, well,
i kind of just don't try very hard
and have very little experience
so i end up with stuff that kind of just doesn't sound very good
and doesn't feel very impressive
to me, at least.
so putting these things on a public site is a little tricky
obviously, most people don't want work they don't think is very good shown to the world
but i guess i want to stop caring about that sort of thing
if that makes sense
as an artist i have grown to hate the concept of perfection
mainly, the idea that everyone who creates anything
is trying their hardest
putting their best effort in to improve
and wants to be good, better, best, at it
this is the main thing that usually makes me feel nervous about showing people works i'm not 100% confident in
because i feel like there's a lot of assumptions of intent
that are inherent to how most people view art
i kept thinking, like,
"if i post this, if i show this to anyone, they'll assume this is the best i can do
they'll think that i genuinely think this is good
and since it's not, and that anyone can see this is obviously rushed and flawed,
it will negatively impact their opinion of me as well
they'll think i'm a goddamn idiot."
so whenever i posted something that i rushed just to get it done
i felt like i needed to go out of my way to mention that it wasn't very good
and i guess i haven't really grown past that, i feel like this page also functions as that sort of disclaimer
like,
"don't worry guys!! i'm fully aware that my writing sucks, it's ok!!"
but i am at the very least doing this to talk about a bigger point
so there's that.
back on the topic of "perfection"
while it is still a little bit miserable that i feel the need to acknowledge that something i made obviously isn't my best work,
i feel like the problem lies less with my compulsion to say that
and more with the social assumptions that cause me to feel that compulsion in the first place
before i mentioned the general assumption
that everyone who creates is trying their best & wants to improve
this is something that i don't really understand
but for the longest time, it was an assumption i had as well without really thinking about it
whenever there are discussions about things like beginner artists relying "too much" on "cheap tricks"
like tracing 3d models, using bases, using stock assets,
the two sides are usually:
"this is bad because if you rely on them, you'll never improve"
vs
"it's okay for beginners to rely on these, because they're a good starting point for improvement that will help them eventually move past it"
and the thing is
these are both kind of just the same opinion?
one is just worded slightly more positive
or rather,
the latter understands that there isn't actually inherently wrong with using these shortcuts
but is still so deeply trapped within the idea that everyone is and should be working towards perfection
that it is still blind to the fact that
quite simply
there is literally nothing wrong with being lazy as fuck and making art that sucks shit
so since it can't comprehend this idea, before it can say anything meaningful,
it just panics and adds "b-but, it can still be used for improvement!! it's okay because it can still act as a stepping stone for the goal!!"
what a fucking joke.
over years of being an artist and experiencing others' art
i have found that the most meaningful works to me
are ones that kind of just aren't very good
things that are covered in mistakes and weird quirks
and obvious holes you can't really ignore
that when you look through them, you see the person who made it on the other side
fuck immersion
fuck polish
fuck perfection
i want to look at something and understand that another person like me made it
and didn't even kill themselves trying to make it "better"
months of my life have been wasted dedicating myself to large-scale projects
pushing myself to the limit just so i could get it all done
making myself absolutely miserable in the process
all for projects
that i ended up hating anyway
things that i couldn't even bear to look at
because not only was the product full of crunch-induced mistakes that outweighed anything i was actually proud of
but it reminded me of how awful it felt to work on too.
that's what everyone expects out of you though. they expect a finished product,
so you start expecting it out of yourself too.
peoples' ideas of "good media" has been poisoned by big-budget productions
someone will see a movie made by hundreds of people with millions of dollars and think
"this is it, this is the good stuff, this is the golden standard i should hold myself and everyone else to"
everyone's rolling a fucking boulder up a hill
"yes, i will simply work very hard to the point of immense artistic burnout, repeatedly, until i can make the next spiderverse, myself. i'm sure this is fun and attainable"
they have played us all for fools
the few success stories of one-man productions that are out there are admirable, sure
the thought that you could make the next stardew valley with no initial experience or equipment is an alluring thought
but if it was something that was really possible for every person to do
then stardew valley wouldn't be one of the main things that people point to in these cases in the first place
because it would be so commonplace that it was just the norm
and yet, people can usually only think of a few main examples when asked about successful, high-quality videogames each made by a single person
because all the rest are either made by large, dedicated teams
or are small, simple, imperfect projects
that a lot of people couldn't care less about due to their imperfections
all of this to say
trying to strive for such big things is in many cases a fucking joke
but people expect it from artists, for some reason
and since the artists also expect it from themselves
you get a lot of people pushing themselves over the edge in the pursuit of being able to make that ideal finished product
i have a lot of unfinished games sitting around
i used to feel very self-conscious about them
i felt bad that i wasn't able to finish anything
the most i had done was usually just a few maps you could walk around in and some basic character sprites and music. maybe a cutscene or two
but nothing that was really playable in a way where posting it online or showing it to anyone would make sense
so they were just sitting around in my files
and i felt weird about how they kept accumulating over time
that maybe the fact that i hadn't been able to finish many things was a sign that i was doing something wrong
and that i should feel ashamed of it
however, i have come to realize,
who fucking cares?
at first i thought "sure, i have a lot of unfinished games,
but it's okay because i have a few finished ones, too, and that's way more than most people"
but honestly even that feels stupid
i don't have to say "it's okay that i gave up on a lot of projects i started, BECAUSE,"
because the thing is
it's just okay that i didn't finish them
full stop
who gives a shit if it's finished?
who gives a shit if it's presentable?
what i DID complete on them was very nice
and god knows i had way more fun making them than anything i had to crunch to get out the door
finishing a project should not be the inherent endgoal
they are creative works
they do not need to fit into this fucking arbitrary box
this incredibly limiting ideal of what a project "should" be
what it "needs" to be
i see a lot of people who want to start passion projects but hesistate and never actually end up even starting because they'll "probably never finish" and it makes me sad
i see myself doing this and i get sad too
it's a hard mindset to break
i am talking big but i am still trapped in these ideas too
i'm just frustrated i guess. i want out
i want to be able to just work on whatever i want when i want
i don't really have any hobbies outside of creative works so it would be nice to feel like i can freely work on things
instead of having to hold myself to a bunch of arbitrary ideas of how the process should work and what i should be working towards as a goal
and i want to live in a perfect world where doing this will not make people very confused
as to why i could ever be satisfied with such unpolished and disorganized work
i like it when art is bad
i like it when someone is so deeply unskilled and then makes something anyway
because, to me, this is where the truly inspirational works lie
people who are thouroughly unaffected by the notions of what art is supposed to be that lie at the core of the industry and even general public are the only people who are really free
this isn't really an opinion a lot of people hold, though, which is sad.
people seem to feel weirdly threatened by works they don't think are very good for one reason or another
if someone sees a work that they feel like they're above, it feels like they're always seconds away from just doing the equivalent of an AVGN bit but completely unironically
people find themselves needing to assert, over and over, as loudly as possible, that they've correctly identified that it's bad, that they're above it, that they're better than it
it gets really depressing to see over and over again
i don't know why it's such a common impulse
maybe "high art" being a thing that for centuries is toted as something overwhelmingly important and sophisticated has made people feel like they need to put themselves over less skilled works to make themselves seem sophisticated as well, that they could be seen in the same divine light as The Good Stuff
i don't really know
it just sucks to see
i don't wanna be above anything
there's a lot of media i think is bad but find myself getting a lot of enjoyment out of anyway just by way of trying to pick apart all the aspects of it i think suck
which by way of the "and it worked cuz you're mad" effect means that i am inherently not above it even if i wanted to be
i just want to have fun making my silly little flawed works
like a real human being
which is a lot of words to say that basically
my appreciation for so-called "bad" art has grown stronger than ever recently
and alongside that i also feel like i should start showcasing more things i make that aren't very good
when i see unpolished works that were probably made in a couple hours tops i think,
"oh, this is wonderful, i could make something like this if i wanted to too"
which is honestly where most of my inspiration comes from these days
so maybe if i start posting more things that i am just thouroughly unconfident in the quality of
where everyone can see it
maybe someone else will feel like this too.